A Quick Guide To Parenting, As Told By Game Of Thrones

What is it about growing up in Westeros that turns people into the worst parents in all the realm? Mothers and fathers on Game of Thrones have a horrible track record, from tormenting their kids (hi, Tywin Lannister) to outright murdering them (poor Shireen).

But hey, things are clearly done differently in George R.R. Martin’s world, so maybe we should take note of how these ’rents rule with aniron fist. (Sorry.)

1. Abuse Is Always The Answer.


2. Continuously Remind Your Child How Unloved He Is—It Builds Character.


3. If You Lose A Huge Battle And Another Wants To Take Your Only Surviving Son (*Cough* Theon Greyjoy *Cough*), Eh, What Can You Do?


4. And When That Son Finally Returns After Nine Years, Be Sure You Make Fun Of His Clothes And Say He’s “Dressed As a Whore.” Just Tell It Like It Is.


5. If Your Daughter Gives Birth To Your Grandson—Who Is Also Your Son—Make Sure You Sacrifice Him To The White Walkers Stat.


6. Since You Already Have A Tonne Of Children, No Harm, No Foul If You Completely Forget About The Youngest One.


7. Breastfeeding Your 10-Year-Old Kid Isn’t Weird At All.


8. Make Sure Your Child Knows He Is A Bastard And Always Feels Ashamed Of It.


9. Don’t Tell Your Kids Anything About Their Real Parents.


10. If Your Son’s Severed Penis Is Sent To You, It Only Makes Sense To Completely Forget About Him Because He Can’t Further The Family Line Now.


11. If Your Child Grows Up To Be A Misogynist And Sadistic Asshole, Well Hey, You Tried, Amirite?


Of course, No. 1 might be to blame for this.

12. If A Super Sketchy Person Suggests You Should Burn Your Own Daughter Alive Because More King’s Blood Is Needed TO Win The Battle, It’s Totes Cool To Cave In And Do It.


13. And, If Your “Children” Get Too Unruly, Just Chain Them Up. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?