‘Game Of Thrones’: Everything That Happened When Tyrion Met Dragons In ‘Kill The Boy’

If we’ve learned anything on “Game of Thrones” over the past couple of weeks, it’s that taking a job as Daenerys’ right-hand man comes with some seriously life-changing job hazards. That, and that Drogon has grown into a burninating badass dragon-man right before our very eyes.

Read on to find out everything that happened on episode five of season five of “Game Of Thrones!”

Daenerys Watched The World Burn.
When we left things off in Meereen last week, Dany’s right-hand men Barristan Selmy and Grey Worm had been killed and maimed respectively by the Sons of the Harpy: the angry, masked, and violent members of Meereen’s former ruling families. Dany being Dany, she didn’t take the whole thing very well — by 9:10 p.m. EST, a whole gaggle of potential traitors had been cooked well done by Viserion and Rhaegal. But Dany also showed a great deal of leadership potential this week, as she later agreed to reopen the fighting pits, and even went so far as to promise her hand in marriage to local boy Hizdahr zo Loraq. Daario Naharis 2.0 is going to love this!

But in happier Meereen-centric shipper news, Grey Worm and Missandei finally kind of sort of happened. When Dany’s number one solider woke up post-battle, he was distraught over the fact that he’d let down Selmy — and only the Lorde to Dany’s Taylor Swift could talk him down. Once she did, Grey Worm finally gave in to Missandei’s long-time obvious thirst, telling her that before he nearly died, his “last” thought was that he’d never see her again. They kissed, and I exploded into a pile of Red Wedding guts on the floor because God, this plot line is random but beautiful.

Jon Snow Killed The Boy.
Meanwhile, up at the Wall, we finally learned the meaning behind the title of tonight’s episode: “Kill the Boy” did not refer to an actual, living boy (thank God), but instead, of the metaphoric boy still living inside Jon Snow. Maester Aemon told Jon to kill that little S.O.B. as they discussed the Daenerys section of Westeros OK! Magazine. (Which, given the speed of raven-flight, probably meant that they were four whole episodes behind.)

But regardless, Jon still killed that boy by striking a deal with the Wildling leader Tormund Giantsbane. He promised to give Tormund’s people land and pardons if they agreed to move south and help in the fight against the White Walkers, which sounded pretty okay to Tormund — as long as Jon Snow marched north to fetch them by his side. Jon said yes, alienating a pretty sizable section of the Night’s Watch.

“We can learn to live with the Wildlings, or we can add them to the army of the dead,” Jon explained to his gang, who were still sore about all of the death and destruction caused by their former foes. “Whatever they are now, they’re better than that.”

He was right, of course, but it didn’t seem to sway too many opinions — hell, even little Olly abandoned his former hero once Jon converted to the Wildling Dark Side for the eight zillionth time. (And how tired must Olly and the rest of the boys be of hearing “winter is coming” every time they have a bone to pick with Jon Snow? Find a new phrase, guy.)

Stannis (And Sam?!) Prepared To Say ’Goodbye’ To The Wall.

While Jon was preparing for his next tryst with the Wildlings, Sam was off reading “The Idiot’s Guide To Killing White Walkers” with Gilly, who is probably about one week away from wearing out her welcome as a guest of the Night’s Watch. (They take the “no girls allowed” thing quite seriously.) Anyway, Sam spoke to Gilly about the wonders of the Citadel, that last great bastion of knowledge where the Maesters learn their trade, and how to do things like maybe kill White Walkers. Stannis soon interrupted their friend zone book club, but he was so impressed by Sam’s book smarts that one can only hope that a higher purpose for Sam — maybe even a trip to said Citadel?! — might be off in the not-too-distant future.
“Keep reading, Samwell Tarly,” Stannis said to the semi-stunned steward.

As for Melisandre’s one true king himself, Stannis finally hit the road to take on the Lannisters, Boltons, and so on and so forth — though at least one of those clans is arguably fairly ready for him.

Ramsay Was Ramsay.
Hey guys, when you were watching seasons three and four of “Game of Thrones,” were you constantly thinking “this is great, but it would be so much greater if we could see that psychopathic castrator’s bare-naked butt in a BDSM sex scene?” Well, as of “Kill the Boy,” you’re officially in luck — turns out Ramsay has a secret peasant girlfriend (?!?!?!), and viewers were treated to a devious, exposition-heavy sex scene between the two of them at Winterfell.  “Jealousy bores me, and you know what happens to people who bore me,” Ramsay purred, before his lover ferociously bit his lip.

This same lover, Miranda, later approached Sansa — who apparently still has allies in Winterfell — in the courtyard. She lured Sansa in with sweet compliments for her Hot Topic wardrobe, then stunned the poor Stark by taking her into the stables to visit the abused Theon. Ramsay found out, then made things about a zillion times worse by bringing Reek out again during a wedding-planning dinner with Roose.

Sansa tried her best to hide her disgust when Ramsay paraded Theon about with pride — he made him apologize for “killing” Bran and Rickon, and even threw in a “North Remembers” to twist the knife — but even Sansa’s months with Joffrey couldn’t tame her side-eye when Ramsay announced that Theon would be walking her down the aisle at their nuptials.

Of course Roose wasn’t happy with Ramsay’s dinner stunt either, but he was kind of distracted by his newly announced impeding fatherhood — and the potential war with Stannis, which Roose told Ramsay they would fight together, as father and son.

Tyrion Made A Cooler Friend Than Bronn.
Finally, somewhere outside the ancient dragon-city of Valyria, Tyrion and Jorah Mormont were still floating on in their two-person rowboat from Hell, which Jorah firmly refused to stock with even the most basic of modern amenities — like wine, for example. But all of Tyrion’s misery over his current travel situation drifted away when he laid eyes on what had to be the most awe-inspiring sight his over-privileged eyes had ever seen: Drogon! Flying free!

Of course this legendary meet-cute was short-lived, as a group of Greyscale-afflicted men — who were not as nice as Shireen Baratheon — showed up to loot and pillage the boat. Jorah managed to fight them off, but when all was said and done, the duo was left miles from Meereen without a ride — and the exiled knight who can never catch a break had picked up a nasty case of Greyscale. Dun dun dun!