Warning From The Doctor: Don’t Drink Martian Water
If you’ve seen the David Tennant-era episode ‘The Waters of Mars’ you’ll understand. In it, the Tenth Doctor travels to the red planet circa 2059 and meets up with the crew of Bowie Base One—Earth’s first pilgrims to attempt a settlement on Mars. The crew found water there too, but nobody held a press conference celebrating the fact. That’s because the water was bad. Not like acid rain bad or full of raw sewage bad. More like zombify your brain before making your face fall off bad.
For your own reference, please see Exhibits A and B:
And you thought the water you drank on your last tropical vacation was evil. It gets worse: in ‘The Waters of Mars’ the killer liquid is on a mission to make it to earth, where it would infect any human who touched just a single drop. Obviously, the Doctor lends his Time Lord ingenuity to the crisis and, with help from the brave Bowie crew, Earth is saved from an environmental crisis the scope of which it has never seen before.
Happy ending aside, it’s helpful to remember that while the Who universe has the Doctor, in real life we’ve got Doctor Phil—useless on a good day, never mind the day some NASA guy brings Mars water back to Earth for his kid to take to show and tell. When that day comes, don’t say Who fans didn’t warn you:
Water's been found on mars and everyone's excited except for everyone who's watched doctor who :') pls don't touch the water nasa
— Maddie (@slushie_luva69) September 28, 2015
— Aric (@PhatEmoKid) September 29, 2015
— Cloudbyte Pony (@Cloudbyte_Pony) September 28, 2015
We see only one solution to ensuring Earth’s safety: petitioning NASA to burn Mars to the ground. There are other planets.