What The Hell Is Happening In This A Cure For Wellness Trailer?

Earlier this month, director Gore Verbinski told a room full of reporters, this writer included, that he wants A Cure for Wellness to do for health spas what Jaws did for the beach. Having seen the first 30 minutes or so of the gothic thriller starring Dane DeHaan, I can safely say that while I’m not terrified of getting a massage (yet), I have no idea what the fuck this creepy movie is about. There’s an ominous buck, and a tub full of eels (!!), and Lucius Malfoy (a.k.a. Jason Isaacs) playing a potentially crazy health professional.

And then there’s Mia Goth, who spends all of her time hanging out and looking sad atop the old-ass European structures.

Again, I’ve seen 30 minutes of this movie and all I can tell you is that DeHaan’s character is a young corporate hotshot who’s sent to Switzerland to retrieve a board member who apparently lost his damn mind at this so-called “wellness spa.” Of course, the longer he stays at the spa—and there is something rather unfortunate that forces him to extend his stay—the more he suspects that the idyllic centre’s treatments are anything but healthy. Cue the eels and the naked men in water chambers.

I am now 99 per cent sure this movie doesn’t actually exist and that it is, in fact, all a fever dream. I guess I’ll have to wait until February 17, 2017 to be certain.