Batman Thinks Spider-Man Is A Big, Fat Crybaby

Andrew Garfield’s performance as Peter Parker in The Amazing Spider-Man was charming, relatable, nuanced, and wonderfully human–according to most people.

Batman, however, has a different opinion.

Michael Keaton, the first man ever to play Gotham’s dark knight on the big screen, was on The Tonight Show Monday (Nov. 9) to share his personal feelings about Spider-Man’s emotional resilience — feelings which he summed up in one word:



Yep, you heard correctly: Batman, possibly the most tortured, traumatized, emotionally-unstable superhero in the history of the genre, thinks that Peter Parker is a weenie in need of toughening up. Yep. Mmm-hmmm. Riiiiiight.

“Batman never cried,” Keaton scoffed, by way of proving the caped crusader’s superiority to the weepy, wimpy Spider-Man.

There’s just one problem: As assertions go, this one is kind of a load of hot garbage. For the record, here’s a by-no-means exhaustive collection of evidence that Batman is more emo than Spider-Man by an order of magnitude.

So if Batman never cries, what are those small, salty droplets running down bb Bruce’s face?


And that’s quite the frowny face from a man who doesn’t have emotions.


Oh, boo hoo, Batman.


Someone looks a tad weepy in this scene, too.


And let’s not forget the time that Batman stood despondently by his Batmobile and just felt stuff, for hours, and it was horrible.